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Bob: (makes weird noises when falling down) Hello paying customer, has this problem ever happen to you?

Elderly Woman: Writing to my grandchildren is so hard, I'll probably die before it reaches them.

Bob: WELL THERE'S A SOLUTION (gives the woman a heart attack, killing her) AND IT'S CALLED THE INTERNET! (disappears to laser animation) My name's Bob Roberts. I'm a Vietnam War vet and a very skilled Internet user.  The fact that you purchased this VHS tape means one of two things.  Either I'm dead and you've been rooting through my belongings, or you wanna learn how to get on the Internet.  Either way, I think I can help you out.

(The VHS presents the people)


A his office

Bob: First, connect to the Internet. (keeps clicking mouse, but fails to connect to the Internet) Hey, hey where, hey where do we, WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE? Make sure your computer's actually plugged in. (plugged the computer in and stood up) Ah, alright.  Now connct to the Internet. (uses AOL dial-up and sees how slow it goes) It's like beaming the Internets to like the moon or something. (starts to sleep and wakes up) I don't really have to hear this noise.  I-I-I...




In the living room

Bob: If the Internet's still not working for you, you can give your grandson a shiny new nickle to set it up for you. (gives a nickel to his grandson) That oughta buy them one of them  "Pokemans" or whatever the hell those stupid jackasses are wasting their money on these days.




In an animation

Bob: Do you want to be famous on the Internet?  Well then get the YouTube show to come out to your house and film you so you can be on the YouTube website show.




In the office

toddler: Charlie bit me.

(Bob watched Charlie Bit Me, laughs, and then farts)

Bob: Uh, damn barking spiders.


In the animation

Bob: (flies) Woah yeah, this is fun; I'm flying. Woah, (lands) ah. Once you get the hang of it, the Internet is a beautiful place that is very polite and informative.


In the office

Bob: If you got a question, type it in on Goggle and someone working in there will answer your question real quick. (types in the question "Dear sirs: How do i pluck my ear hair? Sincerely, Bob Roberts." and finds a lot of sources) Whoa!


In the animation

(parts of Bob come together)

Bob: (Subtitles underneath "Bob Roberts" reads "I Can't Find My Keys") Well there you have it, you too are now an Internet master. Congratulations! If you enjoy this moving picture, be sure to check out my other VHS's and all participating Blockbuster movie rental stores such as: Goldpanning for Dummies, Duke Nukem for Dummies, and Hemorrhoid Treatment for Dumbfucks.

Bonus Tips

Bob: (spins around upside down) Woaoaoaoaoaoaoah! (turns right side up) Ah, that was cool. There are some Internet secrets that no one wants to share with you; but since we're friends and I'm an Internet master, I'll give you the inside scoop.



At the office

Bob: Make sure that you open every single e-mail you get, there's always some real helpful stuff from strangers. Four H's, yes please! (asks for it in the e-mail)


In the animation

(Bob jumps and almost bumps towards something)

Bob: Ah, that was a close one.


In the office

(Bob gets back up)

Bob: Alright, now connect to the Internet.  This may take a while so what I like to do is make up a little song to the sweet noise of progress.  (uses AOL and sings) This is Bob
 and I'm the Internet master.
 Wish my computer
 would boot up faster.
If you change my number,
you would call me the blaster.
Get it because I blast poop out my butt.


In the animation

(Bob appears)

Bob: Loolooloolooloolooloolooloo.  The Internet is great for helping others in times of need.  Just recently, I helped a Nigerian prince by sending him some of my money and soon I'll be a millionaire when he gives me part of his fourtine.  Aren't Nigerians swell?


In the office

Bob: If you're on a website page and you get the little thingy that says, " Congratulations!  You are the one millionth viewer. Click for a prize."?  Click it immeaditly before someone else does idiot!  Although, mail from the Internet must be kinda slow; still haven't recieved my free iPod Nano.


In the animation

narrator: SHOULD I BUY A VIRUS SCANNER FOR MY INTERNETS?

Bob: Virus scanners?  (makes tounge noises) Only humans and my cat, Rufus, can get viruses.  Virus scanners are a scam.  However, cat herpes is very real.  (sniffs) Poor Rufus, he never did stand the chance againist them cat herpies.  (starts to cry) Turn it off.

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