Splatoon is the fiftieth honest trailer
From the company whose games milk your nostalgia for cash like a sixty dollar Buzzfeed article (Nintendo) comes a new IP inspired the 90's Nickelodeon logo that's going to be a real bitch for Mario to clean up after.
Mario: I'm-a tired!
For the first time in fourteen years, Nintendo released an original game, and it might be one of the most Japanese things ever. Combining: seafood, dressing up like a Harajuku girl, and splattering tentacles with wet gobs of goo in the world's first PG bukkake simulator.
Enter the world of Jet Set Radio- uh, I mean Inkopolis: a cheery, post-apocalyptic world overrun by mutant squid. Cringe as you interact with dozens of hipster SpongeBob knock-offs, who speak in a horrible combination of fish puns, and your dad trying to sound cool. Ugh!
Moe: (gibberish noise) (On-screen text: LOSER ALERT!)
Then, when you're ready to fling some ink, jump into the squid-ified version of Gang Warfare where teams clash in a deadly fight over what color to paint the floor. Using an array of slight variations on a Super Soaker, or a giant roller if you really wanna see them hatin'. ('Ridin' Dirty' song from Chamillionaire plays)
Get ready to have some fun, as soon as you turned off all the awful motion controls, and experience a great core game with tons of unfulfilled potential, full of missing features at launch like: stage selection, enough stages, enough game modes, enough weapon variety, match making, split-screen multiplayer, voice chat, voice chat between friends, a way to say anything other than "Yeah!" or "Boo!", a way to skip the unskippable news reports that happen whenever you turn the game on, a way to change your weapon without quitting the lobby, a way to quit lobbies once you've joined them, a way to play on the same team as your friends, or a way to stop playing this stupid casual game--my god, why is it so addictive?!
Nothing makes sense anymore in this unpolished Nintendo gem, where the single player is one of the best parts about an online-shooter, and the local multiplayer is as much fun as watching an old man take a bath. (sees the old man takes a bath) Eww. So get ready for a great overall experience with some issues that just won't stop nagging at you, because Nintendo either thinks we're not ready to play a full game at once, or they're f***ing incompetent. But hey, at least it didn't cost half a billion dollars, right?
Starring: Hentai Incoming, Master Roshi (Cap'n Cuttlefish), Heavy Breathing (Judd), A Minion in a Hat (Sheldon), Finding Nemo (Annie & Moe), Nipple Sneakers (Crusty Sean), Super Wetroid (Jelonzo), Street Urchin (Spyke), and jizz... EVERYWHERE. Spa-looge.
Please make sure your own base gets painted, and painting walls doesn't count as territory. There! You are now better than 90% of the kids who play this game.
Callie and Marie: 'Staaaay fresh!