Stranded Man (portrayed by Anthony Padilla)
(Stranded Man washes up on an island)
Stranded Man: I found myself on a deserted island with my two friends, Robbie and Jamal. I knew we had to find a way to survive.
Stranded Man: Thanks to this waterproof notebook I keep in my pocket, I will be keeping a journal of the events I must overcome on this island.
Stranded Man: My two friends are retrieving firewood to make a signal fire. I stayed to watch for rescue.
Stranded Man: I found an apple in the sand, but it only lasted us a day. We knew it was time to choose which of us we would eat first, Robbie and I chose Jamal but he called us racist and threatened to eat himself. We told Jamal that wasn't physically possible.
Stranded Man: We were wrong. Jamal ate himself.
Stranded Man: I was really hungry, so I decided to kill Robbie. I bet him 20 dollars I could hold my breath longer than him. Little did he know I was cheating and breathing through my nose. He died.
Stranded Man: There was nothing left of Robbie, I had to resort to eating my feces.
Stranded Man: There's no chance of survival, there is nothing left to hold on to. I've lost all hope.
(Camera pans out to show the rest of a fully crowded beach then switches over to show Ian and Anthony drinking soda)
Anthony: Uh, do you think we should help him?
Ian: I don't know; it's kind of fun to watch.
(switches back to Stranded Man laying in the sand)
In transition: CRACK IS WHACK, BITCH