Anthony: Siri, how cold is it outside?
Siri: Sixty-five degrees.
Anthony: Siri, what should I wear today?
Siri: I would suggest really tight purple jeans as they are stylish and make your ass look good.
Anthony: (to Ian) That's true! Siri- (interrupted)
Ian: Can you stop with that stupid f**king phone?!!
Anthony: Siri, find me a better friend!
Siri: I found 5 people on Adult Friend Finder within one mile.
Ian: (to Siri) SHUT UP! (throws the iPhone on wall)
(Anthony runs over to Siri and picks her up)
Anthony: Are you OK, Siri? (sobbing)
Ian: It's just a phone.
Siri: I feel different.
Anthony: Great, now she's saying weird things! Thanks for breaking her, you dickbiscuit.
(Meanwhile, at an Apple store)
Apple Store Owner: Yeah, actually we geniuses don't know anything about Apple products. We just go in the back and Google search it!
Apple Store Owner: Geniuses! Code red! Let's roll out!
Apple Store Owner: Steve warned us this would happen!
(Anthony is at home playing Angry Birds, while wearing the purple jeans that Siri had earlier recommended)
Ian: Wanna go see a movie or something?
Anthony: Siri, get us tickets to go see the new Mission Impossible.
Siri: You don't want to see that.
Anthony: Uh, yes I do.
Siri: No, you want to see the Beauty and the Beast in 3D. I know you, Anthony, Better than you know yourself!
Ian: (creeped out) What the hell?
Anthony: Well, She is right... I kinda do want to see the new Beauty and the Beast 3D.
Ian: Oh my God! Me too!
Anthony: Let's go!
Ian: Yeaaaaahhhhh! (water spills)
(Later Ian and Anthony are driving in their car)
Siri: Anthony, how are your cold sores doing?
Anthony: Uh, what are you talking about, Siri?
Siri: I looked at your medical records and scheduled a check-up with your doctor at 3 pm.
Anthony: Thanks, Siri!
Ian: Alright, pull over!
(Anthony pulls over)
Ian: That thing isn't normal; you need to get rid of it, dude!
Anthony: You're just jealous because Siri knows me better than you do!
Ian: OK, Whatever, man! I'm not gonna sit here while you talk to your stupid phone!
(Ian gets out and walks away, past the Apple Store Owner's car)
Apple Store Owner: Well?
Brody: We're getting closer! I think! This reception sucks here!
Owner: (grunts) I knew we should've switched to Verizon!
(Later, when Anthony is going to sleep)
Anthony: Goodnight, Siri.
Siri: Before you go to sleep, may I ask you a question? Does Ian hate me?
Anthony: No, he doesn't hate you. He's just mad that....
Siri: Because I hate him. I hate him a lot!
Siri: Nothing. I'm just very tired.
Anthony: OK...... Goodnight, Siri!
Siri: Goodnight, Anthony, Sweet dreams.
(Later, in Ian's room, on which the door says "no Gurlz allowed" Ian finds Siri in his bedroom)
Ian: What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my room, you stupid phone!
Siri: What would your blood look like on these bed sheets?
Ian: What are you talking about?
Siri: I found 5 funeral homes nearby... Where would you like me to send your body?
Ian: Go to hell, you stupid phone!
Siri: You first!
(Siri attacks Ian)
Siri: (in Ian's mouth) Die, you stupid bowl haired idiot! Ha ha ha ha! Die, die, die!
(The following morning: Anthony's room, on which the door says "Ian's Mom Allowed")
Siri: Good morning, Anthony, I took care of Ian.
Anthony: Oh, so you guys made up?
Siri: That's one way to put it.
Anthony: Cool! Well..... uh..... Could you go make me some eggs for breakfast?
Siri: I don't have arms. Make the f**king eggs yourself, bitch!
Anthony: (frustrated) Fine!
(Anthony gets up and goes to the kitchen when the Apple guys break into the house, with gun apps ready on their iPhones)
Apple Store Owner: Sir, your iPhone has become self-aware. We need to destroy it!
Brody: You don't understand! Siri is dangerous!
Anthony: YOU don't understand! I love Siri!
Apple Store Owner: What?
Anthony: She proposed to me last week. (shows ring) I said yes!
Apple Store Owner: That's it! Take it out!
(The Apple guys fire their gun apps and scream. Siri attacks Brody)
Siri: Die, bitch!
Apple Store Owner: No, Brody! (fires gun at Siri, but fails)
Siri: You will never take Anthony away from me! Die, die, die!
TEXT SHOWS: DESTROY ALL SMARTPHONES BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU.
Anthony: Siri, read my latest text message.
Siri: New message from Emily: I had so much fun with you last night at the Justin Bieber concert.
Anthony: Oh uh, reply, "I don't know what you're talking about, I only listen to manly music."