In Anthony's room
Anthony: Okay, day three after we found this weird space rock in the field. I'm starting to feel different and I have this weird rash on my arm and...
Ian: Dude, you have to see this! Come on!
Anthony: What is it, man?
In the living room
Ian: Okay, check it out! Ordinary pencil, right?
Ian: Watch. (moves the pencil up and down in the air)
Anthony: What the hell?! Are you doing that, man?!
Ian: I don't know! It's just, it looks like rubber, right? And then watch. (flips the pencil around) Stiff. How am I able to do this, dude?!
Anthony: This is freaking me out, man! Okay, do you think that ever since we touched that space rock, we're turning into, you know...
(someone knocks at the door)
Anthony: What is that? Did you order another blow-up doll?
Ian: (laughs) Nooo.
Anthony: Yeah, right.
(Ian opens the door to find two agents)
agent #2: Okay, what...
agent #1: Do you witness anything falling out of the sky recently, or maybe see somebody in the nearby field pick up any large objects?
Anthony: No, not at all.
Ian: No, no. Why?
agent #2: We, aren't in the liberty to say.
agent #1: If you do remember anything...
agent #2: Don't hesitate to give us a call.
(the two agents leave their doorstep)
Ian: Dude, what the heck in the fricking frick was that?!
Two days later in Anthony's room
Anthony: Day five since we touched this, weird space rock thing, and Ian's rash is, uh, starting to smell like Morgan Freeman's freckles, and mine is, starting to spread. Check this out. (reveals his rash) It's like, it's like, something I've never seen before. This is crazy!
Ian: (steps in) Whoa, cool dick tramp stamp, bro!
Ian: Hey, um, do you think maybe we can go to the doctor today 'cause my rash is kinda spreading to my (points down) private part place?
Anthony: Okay, man. So, we've been given these awesome mutant powers, and you want to go somewhere where they could possibly take it AWAY FROM US?!
Ian: Okay dude, we don't even know what our powers can do.
Anthony: Well, uh, why don't we just go find then, shall we?
Ian: (nods his head in approval) Yeah!
Ian: Yeah! (drawn out)
Anthony: (enthusiastically) Yeah!
Ian: PPYEAHHH! (stops for a few seconds) Yeah.
Anthony: Okay. Let's, let's, let's uh, let's uh, uh, go do that.
At the park
Stevie: Hi, America! My name's Stevie, and I'm single! So if there's any pretty girls out there...
Anthony: Stevie, shut the f**k up and just film us, okay?
Stevie: Okay, I'm sorry about that.
Ian: (taps Anthony to get his attention) Try it on this guy.
Anthony: Alright. (tries to use his mutant powers on the guy)
guy: What the hell are you two idiots doing?!
Ian: Shh! He's trying to use his mutant powers!
(Anthony continues trying to use his powers)
guy: (stares at the two in disbelief and confusion) You've got to be the stupidest... (suffers from a brian freeze) Oh, OH, BRAIN FREEZE!
Anthony: Holy balls, dude! It worked!
Ian: I think you broke that guy's brain!
Anthony: As my rash grows bigger, my powers grow STRONGER!
Ian: (spots the agents in the distance) Dude! It's those guys!
Anthony: S**t! Run! RUN!
(Ian and Anthony begin running away, only to hear Stevie crying for help)
Stevie: Help! Help!
Ian: Sorry, Stevie! No time to save you!
In the car
Anthony: D-d-dude, do you think they're following us?!
Ian: I don't know, maybe we should give that rock thing back!
Anthony: What?! NO! IAN, DON'T YOU GET IT?! We could do a lot of good with these powers... (starts coughing)
Ian: Dude! Watch the road! WATCH THE ROAD! WATCH THE ROAD!
(Ian and Anthony scream as they collide with traffic)
At the hospital
Anthony: Uh, the last thing I remember, I was, just driving, and then I started coughing, and then I...
Stevie: Oh, hey! You guys are here, too?
Anthony: Shut up man!
Stevie: Man, those dudes in black suits totally beat me up! And the doc says that I might have possible brain damage!
Ian: Yeah, no one cares, Stevie. Just hold on to this...
Stevie: Oh, okay.
doctor: It's a good thing you two both came in today. It looks like you both have a very rare disease that...
Anthony: That's giving us super powers!
Ian: Yeah, obviously!
doctor: Uh, not exactly.
doctor: It's more like you...
Ian: It's more like we're badass mutants that can help people with our super powers?
Anthony: My god! You're the best! Thank you so much, doc!
Ian: (points to the doctor repeatedly) Genius, this one's a genius.
Stevie: Hey, doc. It's totally normal to fart blood, right?
doctor: Would you get OUT OF HERE, YOU WEIRD!
(Stevie is forced out of the room)
In the house
Anthony: Stevie, record over here!
Stevie: Sorry about that.
Anthony: Thank you.
Ian: Dude, look! I told you the rash was spreading! (reveals his rash)
Anthony: Dude, look at that thing!
Ian: Is it bad?
(The doorbell rings)
Stevie: Wait, wait, I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.
Anthony: Dude, it totally looks like a, Morgan Freeman or something.
Ian: What? No, it looks like, um, Jennifer Lawrence. She's normally really hot.
'Steviem: Hey, can these guys be my friends?
Ian: Dude, Stevie! RUN!
(Stevie is seen running before the scene cuts to Ian and Anthony with the space rock)
In Ian's room
Anthony: All we have to do is eat this space rock, and we'll become UNSTOPPABLE! (begins to eat the space rock)
(The agents open the door)
agent #2: What the hell are you doing?! Give me that!
Anthony: No! It's ours!
agent #1: You're eating s**t!
Anthony: I mean, well yeah, it tastes bad, but...
agent #2: No no no, you're literally eating s**t!
agent #1: Every year, the International Space Station dumps its human waste.
agent #2: And some of it ends up landing here on Earth.
agent #1: And we've got to pick it up before idiots like you find it.
Anthony: Uh, uh, you're joking, right?!
agent #2: What do you think that brown stuff was?
Anthony: Uh, space chocolate?
Ian: Co, whoa, okay, can you guys explain our mutant rashes, then?!
agent #1: That's just a really bad bacterial infection, you moron!
agent #2: What have you been doing with that thing?
Ian and Anthony: Uh, no-nothing.
A few days ago
(Ian and Anthony plays with the s**t in a variety of ways)
Back in the present
Ian: So does that mean we're going to die?
agent #2: Probably.
Anthony: Okay, SCREW THAT! We're mutants; no one can stop us!
agent #2: (tases both Ian and Anthony) Come on. Let's get out of here.
agent #1: (stops the second agent) What about the possibly brain-damaged Oompa Loompa?
agent #2: Don't listen to him. I mean, just look at him.
(Agent 1 leaves, gesturing that they are still watching them)
Stevie: It's okay, Stevie. I still think you're pretty SEXY. (laughs) (shows Ian and Anthony unconscious) What about you guys? You guys think I'm sexy? Guys?
On the playground
Stevie: I ate the whole space rock. Now, I should be able to fly, like SUPERMAN! (steps on the slide, preparing to fly) Okay, ready? Whoa, watch this! (sings in his mind) I'm a damn, sexy guy.
I believe I can fly.
Got possible brain damage from those weird guys.
I CAN FLY! (falls down) AAH! Oww.