Anthony: Hey guys. So Ian thinks he's got this amazing morning routine, but I think mine is obviously better.

Ian: Yeah, so I'm going to do his morning routine and he's gonna do mine, and we'll see who ends up looking the best.

Anthony: It's gonna be me.

(starting with Anthony, the order of narration switches as the other person does the morning routine and says the title of the topic except for the final two)

Waking Up

Anthony: First things first, my super cute puppy jumps on my bed to wake me up every morning.

(Griffin jumps on the bed for treats for him)

Ian: (wakes up) Aw, hi there. (grabs Griffin and plays with him)

Anthony: Then I sit on my bed and think about the infinite universe and how small and insignificant my life is.

(Ian feels miserable after thinking about his life)

Getting Hydrated

Ian: I know everyone's suppose to drink eight glasses of water a day, so I do it all at once to get it all out of the way.

(Anthony wakes up, pours down eight glasses of water into his mouth, and falls back to sleep afterwards)

Dream Journal

Anthony: Every morning, I write down all my dreams in my dream journal. Then I call my mom and tell her the worst one.

Ian: (starts writing in the dream journal and stops) I'm not gonna do that!

Anthony: (sternly) I call my mom and I tell her the worst one.

Ian: (grabs the phone and calls his mother) (censor bars appearing at each set of asterisks) Hi, Mom. Okay, so last night I had a dream where Neil Patrick Harris came over and then he pulled out his **** and then I ***** him with my ***** and then we **** ***** and then we **** ready ***** and then the two of ** were then ***** ****** this ***** ******** and then he *** *** all over our faces. (hangs up and throws the phone)

Getting Dressed

Ian: Ironing boards are a waste of time. So instead, I put my clothes on, then use the iron.

(Anthony puts on his clothes, puts the iron on him, screams in pain, takes off the iron, and sees a stain on his shirt)

Brushing My Teeth

Anthony: I make sure to brush my teeth until I have a bright red smile. You know what they say, if it bleeds, it's clean.

(Ian brushes his teeth with an overdose of toothpaste, bleeds his mouth, and gives a smile with a thumbs up)

Taking a Shower

(Anthony walks towards the shower)

Ian: Now it's time for a luxurious shower. hi

Anthony: (goes in the shower) Oh god.

Ian: And since it's summertime, I wash my body with hot summer coconut exfoliating body scrub with antioxidants and acai kale and qinuoa extracts.

Anthony: Okay. (takes the body scrub and rubs it on himself) with poo

Ian: And to keep microbiotic bacterial life from crawling into my flesh and eating me from the inside out, I make sure to close up my pores using only ice cold water.

Anthony: Oh god, (sits down) IT'S SO COLOLOLOLLLLLD! AHAH, AHAH!

Combing My Hair

Anthony: I like to comb my hair with my lucky, rusty fork.

Ian: (combs his hair with a rusty fork) My brain feels funny. (keeps on combing)

Anthony: Tetanus is just marvelous for your roots.

Morning Poop

(Anthony sits on the toilet)

Ian: Uh uh uh, I hold my poo in all day.

Anthony: What?!

Ian: I hold it all day and make sure to eat lots of beans and extra strength X-Lax.

Anthony: NOOOOOOO!

(someone else forces Anthony to eat the beans and drink the X-Lax causing what sounds like an explosion in the bathroom)


Anthony: Then, I put on my hat.

Ian: That's it?

Anthony: That's it.

Ian: Pfft, okay! (puts on a cap and exaggerates) Woo.

Anthony: Then I staple my testicles to the ground.

Ian: (gets shocked, sits down, staples his testicles, and feels pain when censoring) Oh! Oh, why am I actually doing this?!

Creating a Beautiful Smile (Deleted)

Ian: Right before I leave the bathroom, I chew on aluminum foil for a few minutes straight.

Anthony: Dude, I can't do that. I have metal fillings.

Ian: Well I don't, and this is what I do to get my beautiful smile.

(Anthony chews the foil and screams from pain afterwards)

Drinking Coffee (Deleted)

Anthony: Coffee is pretty much my life. Some people even say I am a coffee snob, but to me, that's a compliment. (giggles)

Ian: So you just drink coffee? Okay.

Anthony: No milk, no sugar, no mini marshmallows. Nothing but delicious black, oily coffee.

Ian: (gets terrified) No! Okay. (pours the container toward his mouth while having some of it spill on him)


Anthony: (walks over to Ian) Well, that about does it for our morning routine. Hopefully you learned something from it that'll improve yours. (bends down to Ian)

Ian: Join us next time for our afternoon routine.

Ian and Anthony: (wave) Bye!

(an wipe appears with the sentence "Thanks for viewing our morning routines!" showing)

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