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Introduction

In the living room

(Anthony plays Super Mario 3D World)

MARIO

(jumps twice) Meow!

IAN

This game is so unrealistic. Nobody with a cat outfit would have cat powers.

ANTHONY

How would you know? Have you ever tried it?

IAN

(wears a cat outfit) Uh yeah, I guess so.

ANTHONY

Whatever. Video games would still suck if they were realistic.

Portal

Guy: (programs the Portal Gun, shoots two sides of the wall and then scratches his butt) Ah, I'm such a genius.

Mass Effect

Ashley: Commander Shepard, we need to act fast; the Reapers are coming. What should we do?

Shepard: (tries to choose between saving the galaxy and banging Ashley; he chooses to bang her) We'll bang, okay?

Qwop

(The runner runs like a buffoon on the sidewalk while breathing hesitantly)

FarmVille

Ian: (plows dirt) Okay seriously, how the f**k is this a video game?

Call of Duty: Ghosts

(Ian and Anthony shoot machine guns)

Anthony: Shoot the bad guys!

Ian: Yeah!

Battlefield 4

(Ian and Anthony are still shooting machine guns)

Anthony: Keep shooting the bad guys!

Ian: No shame!

Medal of Honor

(Ian and Anthony are still shooting machine guns)

Killzone

(Ian and Anthony are still shooting machine guns)

Red Faction: Armageddon, Frontlines: Fuel of War, Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis, Resistance: Burning Skies, Far Cry, Doom, Counter-Strike, Wolfenstein, Quake, Arma 2: Operation Arrowhead, Titanfall & Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6: Patriots, Wii Fit U

(Ian and Anthony are still shooting machine guns)

Ian: (stops shooting and then stops Anthony) Hey, can we do anything other than shoot bad guys?

Anthony: Hmm, nope!

(Anthony and then Ian shoot their machine guns)

Mortal Kombat

(Sub-Zero kicks Scorpion until his health is drained all the way)

narrator: FINISH HIM!

(Sub-Zero tries to rip Scorpion's head off, but struggles and fails to do so)

Scorpion: What are you doing?

Sub-Zero: You know i'm trying to tear your head off, but it's a lot harder than i thought.

Scorpion: Can you just hurry up? I'm starting to get dizzy.

Sub-Zero: Okay, sorry bro. (tries to tear Scorpion's head, but still fails to do so and gives up) Augh screw it! Let's just go look at Kitana's boobs.

Scropion: Okay!

(Sub-Zero and Scorpion sneak behind Kitana and look at her boobs)

Sub-Zero: Boobies.

(Kitana attacks Sub-Zero and Scorpion)

narrator: BOOBTALITY!

Super Meat Boy

(a raw ground meat patty on a plate is shown on the table)

Slender

Ian: Why didn't I just wait until daytime to look for some stupid pages? (gets scared, turns around, and looks behind his back) Ah! (runs away while screaming)

Slenderman(Sadly): I just wanted to be your friend!

Deleted Scene

(Ian runs away while screaming)

Slenderman: But I just wanted to be your friend!

Shepard: (appears by Slenderman) We'll bang, okay?

(Slenderman gives a thumbs up)

Shepard: We're gonna go bang.

Minecraft

(Anthony tries to break through a brick wall with a diamond pickaxe)

Ian: (approaches Anthony) Okay, so our hunting for recreation of Slave Leia's boobies is almost complete. All we need now is a daylight sensor.

Anthony: Okay! Look, can you tell me how to craft it?

Ian: Uhuh, yeah! (ducks down) Just let me check the Wiki. (grabs his laptop)

Anthony: Hurry up, it's getting dark! I don't want these freaking zombie creeps!

Ian: Oh, here it is! Uh, we need wood.

Anthony: Oh okay, like what kind of wood? Like a stick or a block?

Ian: No, it goes across three blocks.

Anthony: Yeah, that's why it's called a stick.

Ian: No, it's not a stick! Okay, I know a stick.

Anthony: YOU KNOW WHAT? (throws away the pickaxe) F**K THIS! (walks away)

Ian: (types in his laptop) How to craft girlfriend.

Surgeon Simulator 2013

(the surgeon touches Ian's face)

Ian: Dude, what the hell? Are you drunk or something?

surgeon: Trust me, I'm a surgeon.

Ian: Put the mask... (his voice is muffled after the mask is on)

surgeon: (grabs a power tool shows off his middle finger, and grabs a hand saw) Okay, so I'm gonna make a small incision right----(accidentally kills Ian) Oh. My bad bro.

Plants Vs. Zombies

(zombies start walking towards Ian)

Ian: Time to bust out my secret weapon! (throws a plant at one of the zombies) Ah s**t! (screams while being attacked by the zombies)

Donkey Kong (Deleted)

Cranky: Eat barrel Mario! (rolls two barrels close to Mario)

Mario: (jumps over the two barrels) Wait, why don't I just walk around them?

Cranky: Ah sh*t, you figured it out!

Ending

Ian: Yeah I guess that would--

Anthony(interrupted): --suck?

Ian: How did you know I was going to say?

Anthony: 'Cause you always say the same god-damn thing.

(Ian's phone makes a noise)

Ian: Oh crap. Um, I have to run dude. I-I have choir practice. (stands up)

Anthony: Yeah. Okay dude, we all know "choir practice" just means going poop in the McDonald's bathroom.

Ian: It just feels better, okay?! (runs out of the house)


Outside in the neighborhood

Ian: I'm a grown-ass man. I can Mcpoop wherever I Mcwant, Mcbitch! (bumps towards Shepard)

Shepard: We'll bang, okay?

Ian: What?

Shepard: We'll bang, okay?

Ian: No, no no no! I don't wanna bang, okay?! (runs away) No no no! (sees a "wall") Uh? (looks at his paws and sticks one of them towards the wall) No way! (puts the other paw on the wall and thinks that he's climbing) Oh! Ha ha, try to bang me now, bitch! (laughs as he's actually seen crawling on the ground) Idiot! (sees Shepard lying down on the ground)

Shepard: We'll bang, okay?

(Ian screams)

Epilogue

Shepard: (fires a fake gun) We just banged, okay?

Ian: Oh, that wasn't so bad.

To See More and Thanks For Subscribing

Anthony: To see bloopers, and a deleted Donkey Kong scene, really rip the spine out of the video on the left. To see more If Video Games Were Real episodes, slavishly destroy the video on the right's face. Oh look, a subscribe button! You better click it before 'til its face melts off and blood squirts out of its ears and other brutal Mortal Kombat stuff.

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