Anthony: (sighs) C'mon Ian, Hurry up!
(Ian comes out, dressed like a leprechaun)
Ian: (groans) St Patrick's day is so dumb! Do Irish people even believe in these stupid leprechaun crap?
Anthony: Okay, I know it sounds a little crazy, but all holidays are like that. Can you imagine how stupid it'd be if holidays were actually realistic?
Santa: AAAH WHAT THE HELL I'M F***ING STUCK!!!! F***ING MOTHER F***ER
! (starts to burn by the fire) AAH!
Billy: This Easter Egg Hunt is so cool!
Billy's friend: I've got jelly beans in mine!
Billy: Where does it come from anyway?
(They hear grunting and go to investigate)
Easter bunny: (poops egg) Happy Easter!
(Billy's friend vomits out the jellybeans)
Miles: I think the both of our (waves to himself) peoples (carries his two hands) working to-get-her can benefit (waves around) e-ve-ry-one.
Squanto: (goes to Massasoit) Why is he talking like that?
Massasoit: I think he might be mentally challenged.
Squanto: That explains the stupid hat.
(Billy wears a Pikachu costume)
Billy: Pika-pika! (Empties out the candy) I got so much candy!
Mother: Check every piece of candy before you eat it young man. You know there might be razorblades in there.
Billy: Come on mom, when has anybody ever... (ate a razorblade in the candy and shoots out blood) PLAHAHAHAH! Funny one
Girl: I wanna make out with someone and blame it on being drunk!
Chinese New Year
Chinese girl: 我想用的人，把它归咎于醉 ！ (I wanna make out with someone and blame it on being drunk!)
Mr. Ball: Okay class, Christopher Columbus definitely intended to find Amercia, he definitely found Amercia first, and he definitely wasn't responsible for the savage murder of all of the Natives.
European student: (holds a gun) Good. Good
Date: I love you more you snooker doodles.
Date and Anthony: You're so cute!
Date: I love you.
Anthony: No I love you.
Date: I love you.
Anthony: I love you more.
Date: I love...
(They kept on talking while Ian is Forever Alone)
Anthony's dad: So, what'd you get me for Mother's Day son.
Anthony: (laughs) You're not my mom.
Anthony's dad: (puts his face closer to Anthony's face) Or am I?
Harry: Uhmmm? i am going to the toilet.
Outside in the neighborhood
Anthony's dad: (talking on the phone) Yeah that idiot totally bought it. I'm getting a Father's Day and a Mother's Day gift this year! (stops talking on the phone and yells) YEAH!
Narrator: LIFE HACK!
Yoga guy: Hi. i love you. SUCKA
(Anthony was at the house with a cake)
Anthony: Happy birthday man.
Ian: Well are you gonna sing the song to me or what?
Anthony: (sings) Happy birthday to...
(The audio has been removed due to a copyright claim)
Harry: You just s**t my pants.
April Fools' Day (Deleted)
(Anthony is in the room with Ian that he killed and Sergeant Anous comes along)
Anous: Stop right there killer!
(Anthony checked the calendar seeing that it was April 1st)
Anthony: April Fools.
Anous: Haha. Good one! You know, have a nice day you two. (Leaves) April Fools, what was I thinking.
(Anthony gave a thumbs up)
Ian: Yeah, I guess that would be pretty dumb.
Anthony: Told you.
Ian: Well, I'm gonna pinch some people for not wearing green. (pinched Anthony) Pinch! Hahahaha! (leaves)
(Ian walks out)
leprechaun: (talks on the phone) Will you tell that bitch, Tinkle Bell, she better have all me money, and in gold. (keeps talking)
(Ian sees the leprechaun)
Ian (thoughts): Oh my god, leprechauns are real!
leprechaun: (still talks on the phone) I had twenty bucks on Notro damna lou...
(Ian catches the leprechaun)
Ian: Caught you leprechaun, NOW TAKE ME TO YOUR GOLD!
leprechaun: Ooh dang it! All right, (opens the truck of his van) get in there.
Ian: (gets in the van) Okay.
leprechaun: Go on, I'll get you some gold. (Gets in the van and closes it)
Ian: So where's the gold?
(The leprechaun unzipped the bag)
Ian: Why are you unzipping that?
(The leprechaun laughs)
Ian: Oh my god, no! NO PLEASE, NO! OH GOD, ANTHONY! Please stop, it hurts!
leprechaun: What's wrong, boy?
Ian: The gold coins are hurting my hands!
(The leprechaun stopped giving Ian gold)
leprechaun: Well at least you got some free money.
Ian: I certainly did!
Narrator: Always trust a man in a Big White van.
(The leprechaun gave a thumbs up with a smile)