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If Guys Had Girl Problems/Script

< If Guys Had Girl Problems

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Ian and Anthony see two girls (Denise and Angela), who are passing by them and talking about something. Ian and Anthony stop and turn around.


Ian (to Denise): Hey, uh, that's a pretty cool dress you got there.

Denise: Hey, quit harassing us, assholes.

Anthony: Oh God, seriously? All he did was complimenting your dress.

Ian: Yeah.

Anthony: That's it.

Angela: No one ever compliments me...

Ian: No one ever compliments me either, alright? (He shows off his white clothes) And look how much time I spent color coordinating my outfit. This took a lot of time and no one has noticed me.

Denise: Whatever. You guys just don't get it: being a girl can be a total bitch sometimes.

Ian: Come on. It's not that hard.

Anthony: Yeah, at least you have boobs.

Ian: Yeah, boobs.

Angela: Yeah, sure...

Denise: No, no! Whatever. Let's see you guys put on makeup.


(At the bathroom, Ian and Anthony apply some makeup)

Anthony: It's such bulls**t how society forces us to wear makeup to fit certain mold of what people should look like.

Denise: Told you.

Ian: But I do feel more confident and pretty...

Anthony: And my skin does looks porcelain doll smooth. This is awesome!

Ian: I know!

Denise: Okay, okay. You like being a girl now. Just wait till you have to remove all your body hair.

Angela: (Shakes head as staring at Ian) Mhmmm...

Denise: All of it.


(At the living room we see Anthony who is waxing his left leg, Ian who is shaving his chest and the girls watching them)

Anthony: (Screams as he pulls off the waxing strip) AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGHHH!

Denise: Hurts, huh?

Anthony: Uh, no! I am just excited that I can finally fit my skinny jeans without them chathing my legs up.

Ian: (As he feels his smooth chest skin that he just shaved) And my skin feels like a rubbery dolphin.

Angela: I love dolphins. (Giggles and starts to play with her cup straw, while Ian is looking at her with a strange face)

Denise: Ugh, whatever assholes. How about peeing sitting down?


(At the toilet, the girls are watching Ian and Anthony while they pee sitting down on the toilets)

Ian: Yeah, really don't see what the big deal is: I do this all the time.

Anthony: Yeah, me too. Especially when I had the one time when I was standing up while peeing, push hard and a...

Both Ian and Anthony: A little bit of poop comes out. Yeah! (They highfive and Denise makes a disgusted face)

Anthony: Oh man, it's like the... (They start talking and they are muted from the girls)

Denise: Okay, fine. Let's see how you handle not ever getting to eat what you want.

Angela: Yeah, never... what... you want... (She stares at Ian and her lips are saying "I want you")


(Back at the living room, Ian and Anthony are sitting on the couch)

Ian: (Opens his mouth to eat a pizza slice and laughs) Ahahahaha!

Anthony: (Gets the pizza away from Ian's mouth) Ah-ah-uh. Dude. We gotta look as hot as Christian Bale by summer. (He shows Ian a picture of Bale) Remember, #Thinspiration.

Ian: Yeah... (Leaves the slice back in the plate) But you know what? Since we can't eat anything, we'll have way more time for activities.

Anthony: Yeah, I'm gonna solve a crossword puzzle.

Ian: I'm gonna adopt underprivileged asian baby.

Angela: (Shows up from the couch and rubs Ian's chest) Why not adopt me? (Ian makes a disgusted face)

Denise: ANGELA! Ugh, uh, whatever. You guys are never gonna like walking in high heels.


(At the staircase, we see Ian and Anthony having a hard time climbing the stairs with high heels, but they make it to the next floor)

Anthony: Oh my God, dude. This is awesome. I am getting a free calf workout and don't even have to go to the gym.

Ian: Yeah, really lifts my buttocks.

Anthony: (Slaps Ian's butt and breaks his fingers) Woooh. It's hard as concrete!

Ian: Being a girl ROCKS BALLS!

Denise: (She and Angela appear on the screen) Okay, okay. Let's see how you deal with sexist cops!

Angela: (Whispering, as gently fondling Ian's cheek) Hi...


(In the next scene Anthony is driving a car, but Sergeant Anous stops him)

Sgt. Anous: Stop right there! I just caught you speeding, you ran on a red light and I saw you kick a nun in the ballsacks!

Anthony: (Gives him a flirty stare and starts to unbutton his shirt) I think we can work something out, officer...

Sgt. Anous: (Gets turned on) Uuum... You are free to go, sir... (He walks away)

Denise: (Pops out from the back seat) SERIOUSLY?! Okay, fine. How about dealing with fangirl urges?


(We see Ian on his bed, talking to a picture of some celebrity)

Ian: Oh, Callum. I wish you could just stroke my nipples until they calloused over.

Angela: (Suddenly she appears to be lying in Ian's lap) Me too!

Ian: (Screams) Okay, just... stop!

Denise: OKAY! You asked for it! Time to bring out the big guts!


(In the next scene Ian and Anthony are back in the living room, sitting on the couch and chatting)

Anthony: (Points the high heels that Ian is still wearing) You know you don't have to wear those things anymore, right?

Ian: Yeah, but they're super cute.

Anthony: Yeah, they do look pretty good on you--

Ian: (Suddenly he feels pain and wraps his hands around his abdomen) OOOH-ooh-oh-oh...

Anthony: You okay?

Ian: Yeah, I just got this really stinging pain in my lower abdomen.

Anthony: Yeah, dude, you don't look too good.

Ian: Uh, okay, I'm fine!

Anthony: Uh, why are you being so cranky?

Ian: Okay, WHY do you always have to get up in my ass about everything?!

Anthony: Dude, I am just asking if you're okay.

Ian: WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN F***ING BUSINESS!

Anthony: WHY ARE YOU YELLING?! I AM NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING!

Ian: I SAID I WAS FINE! (He starts suffocating Anthony with his hands and eventually kills him) A-Anthony? (He realizes what he did and gets worried. Then he gets up and we see that he has blood on his white pants) Oh, F**k my life...

Denise: (She and Angela show from the door) Relax, dude.

Angela: Yeah. It's just your period.

Ian: Oooh, pfft! Sorry for going crazy on your Anthony. (Points the blood on his crotch) Vagina blood. Hahaha.

Angela: (Points to Anthony) I think he's dead...

Denise: So maybe being a girl isn't all that easy, right?

Ian: Hmm. No. It's pretty easy... Peace! (He turns around and starts walking, but he stumbles over because of the high heels) OH! WO-OAAH! OH, GOD! OW! (He falls on the ground) Freaking heels! Being a girl SUCKS ASS!

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