How to survive a burglary
Thumbnail for How to Survive a Burglary


August 30, 2013 (Smosh)
September 1, 2013 (El Smosh)

Video Length:


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Characters Featured:

Anous, Anthony Padilla, burglar

Previous Video:

"I Have a Secret Son"

Next Video:

"So Many Hickeys!"

How to Survive a Burglary is the thrity-sixth episode of Season 2013 of Smosh that was uploaded on August 30, 2013.


Sgt. Anous guides the viewers to survive from a burglary attack.



A burglar gets into Anthony's house stealing a Jigglypuff doll. Sargeant Anous stops the scene for a little bit saying to the viewers to look at the burglar which he broke into the house and is going to burgle the heck out of it. The burglar tries to burgle some more, Anthony spots him and gets scared while the burglar beats Anthony down with a bat. Anous pauses the video again saying that Anthony's dead making him a dum-dum, but there is an actual solution. Anous then starts to teach on how to survive a home burglary. After saying, "Let's go," the camera zooms out revealing Anous painted his nails on his right-hand and farting on Anthony after sitting on him.

Create a weapon

Anous then said that there are two fool-proof ways to not be bat murdered by a burglar. He mentioned that burglars always hate being killed and provides a weapon people can make using items found in any household. Anous said to get some PVC pipe, a nitrous oxide canister, a valve from any massive steam-operated machinery, duct tape, and a butternut squash; as Anous said the materials, Anthony gathers them in the order the weapons parts were mentioned. The burglar grunts as he comes closer to Anthony when his poorly constructed weapon is taped together after Anous said to tape the parts together to be ready for action. But when Anthony fired the "weapon", the squash just fell to the ground having the burglar pick it up and beat Anthony up with it. BUTTERNUT SQUASH'D!

Tire them out

While Anous sloppily drinks a glass of milk, he tells the viewers what to do if the weapon doesn't work which is to tire the burglar out which Anthony is doing by running away from him around the table. Anous says that the only downside is that it doesn't work if the victim's lazy or a morbidly obese quadraplegic. Anthony who's fat with no limbs whatsoever tries to jump off the chair to avoid the burglar, but he has beaten up Anthony with the bat. BAT MURDERED'D!


Anous puts his head in the mailbox saying that if the two options don't work, the owner should prevent the burglar from entering the house and burgle it in the first place. When he tries to leave, his head stuck and he tries to get it off.

Later on in the house as Anthony prepares to close the door, Anous shows that they use the rule of Always Silently Shut Doors In Case of Kleptomaniacs (ASSDICK for short). Anous also mentions that the viewers my be surprised that not many people think of the rule but that he does a lot. When Anthony closed the door, Anous paused to show that Anthony knows his ASSDICK.

(after Parts 1 and 2, Anous lies down to Anthony while holding a night stick and flashes back to the time Anthony closes the door)

Part 1

Anthony thought he felt safe, but turns around to find out that the burglar found another way in and gets beaten by the bat. ASSDICK FAIL'D!

Part 2

Anthony closes the door and then hears the burglar selling Girl Scout cookies. Anthony opens hoping for the new punch flavor which he said they did and the, actually punched Anthony in the face. ASSDICK FIST'D!

Part 3

Anthony puts the door latch on the door testing if the burglar can get through. The burglar reached for the bat in Anthony's house, hit Anthony with it and showed the middle finger. ASSDICK TO THE FACE'D!

Disguise as a burglar

As Anous was painting a self portrait of himself, he tells the viewers to disguise as the burglar if ASSDICK doesn't work. Anous also tastes the red paint and thought it wasn't that bad. Anthony disguises himself as a burglar having the actual burglar curious. Anthony apologizes to the burglar saying that he's burgling his own home. The burglar didn't mind and started to burgle elsewhere making Anthony feel good. BURGLAR BAMBOOZLE'D!


As the burglar was about to leave, Anous stopped him thinking there were two burglars. Anthony tries to convince Anous that he's faking of being a burglar, but the actual burglar also tries to convince Anous of dressing up as a burglar. Anous wants both of them to prove it by taking off their masks. They both took off their masks and Anthony if Anous could tell. However, Anous can't tell them apart thinking that all white people look the same which Anthony comments that they look nothing alike. Anous didn't care and shot Anthony repeatedly with his gun (and even his eyes). Anous thought the burglar is gone for good and tries to make sure by shooting Anthony down some more. Anous starts to celebrate by getting some ice cream and even said that he'll buy it since his life savings is in his wallet. The burglar repeatedly hits Anous with his bat, takes his wallet revealing five dollars thinking Anous was rich, and runs off. Anous ends the video saying to join in next week when he teaches how to get the most likes on Instagram by posting a picture of themselves dying from bat murder. He tries to do that thinking it'll be in his popular page, writes "#Crayolo" and then dies.

The narrator ends the story saying that Anous only got two likes for his picture, both of them from his mom. The narrator shows Anous' death picture. #CRAYOLO!


How to Survive a Burglary/Script



  • After Sgt. Anous says "Let's Go!", he gets up; and a brief fart noise is heard. The same sound effect was also used briefly in ADDICTED TO HONEY BOO BOO CHILD.
  • In the beginning, Sgt. Anous' nails are painted pink
  • Obviously, during the "Tire Him Out" scene, Sgt. Anous has bushy eyebrows similar to his mustache.
  • After Sgt. Anous kills Anthony, Anthony's body is nowhere to be seen afterwards.
  • In the introduction, the robber stole a tissue box and a genie lamp. But when Anthony spot the burglar, those were put back on the shelf.
  • Anthony is dressed as a burglar again after My Friend's Hot Sister.
  • This is the second How-To Video hosted by Anous, the first was 2012's HOW TO BE A COP!
  • In "ASSDICK TO THE FACE'D!" screen, two light switches are on the wall, with one of them strangely rotated.
  • Before Anthony beat up the robber with a butternut, the microphone is visible in the top left corner. 
  • Sgt. Anous said he thinks of "ASSDICK" all the time, which sounds like he has a really dirty mind.
  • The red paint Anous tasted was actually ketchup. This is so that Ian's brain wouldn't be damaged after filming the shot.
  • Anous saying "All you white people look the same," refers to the old joke about black people looking the same.

Shut Up! Opening

"(car alarm) SHUT UP!"


Subscription Ending

"Stop right there and subscribe! What's that, you're not gonna subscribe? BULLS**T! (gun sounds)"

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