Anthony: Hi. Have you ever met the girl of your dreams and would do anything in the world to be with her, except break up with your current girlfriend 'cause you're a giant douchebag? Well I know I have, so I'm gonna show you how to cheat. Let's go.
Girlfriend: What's that, babe?
Anthony: Oh, nothing Honey. Yeehaw!
(the girlfriend makes horse noises)
NOTE: (Anthony says the titles, except when mentioned in this script)
Wear A Disguise
Jenna: Oh my God. That's so funny. (laughs)
Girlfriend: Oh Jenna, hi. What are- What are you doing here?
Jenna: Oh nothing, I'm just hanging out with Antho-ah, bush.
girlfriend: (whispers) Okay. (leaves)
(Anthony eats the fries)
narrator: SUPER EFFECTIVE!
(Anthony says the title after saying "only")
(Anthony stare at each other mentally)
Anthony: Whoo! Alright, that was great. See you later. (leaves)
Jenna: But you didn't mentally cuddle with me.
narrator: GOOD JOB!
Do it in the Dark
(Anthony says the title after saying the word only)
Anthony: It's not cheating if you can't see who you're doing the cheating with. (goes in the dark closet) Where are you? Hehe. Oh! Yeah! Mm! (kisses his girlfriend) I wanna---- Oh, you're a really good kisser.
girlfriend: Of course I am.
Anthony: What the hell? (turns on the lights and sees his girlfriend)
narrator: CHEATED ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
Hide Your Secret Lover
girlfriend: Bye sweetie, love you!
Anthony: Love you more.
girlfriend: Ah, bye! (leaves)
Anthony: Okay baby, (knocks the closet door) coast is clear.
black guy: Yay!
(Anthony screams and the black guy licks his nipple)
narrator: CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!
No Physical Contact
(Instead of saying no, Anthony says, "Don't use")
Anthony: If you have something preventing skin-to-skin contact, it's hardly cheating. Yeah are you all done wrapping yourssse---- (sees Jenna dead) Hun, guess I should've poke some breathing holes.
narrator: HOLE-Y CRAP! HEHE, HOLE-Y.
Do it on a Leap Year
(Anthony says the title after the word "only")
Anthony: It's not cheating if you do it on a fake day. Alright wella, see you in four years.
older blond girl: Wait, where's my present? It's my birthday today.
Anthony: So, technically, I just did it with a ten-year-old?
older blond girl: Yep.
(They both threw up)
narrator: UH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY?
Anthony: You're girlfriend will have no idea your real self is out with someone else. Now I can cheat all I want.
clone: Good luck Anthony.
Anthony: See you later Anthony (starts to walk away) Nice hair. (walks away and comes back for forgeting something) (sees the girlfriend and the clone making) What the hell?
(the girlfriend and the clone stop making out)
Anthony: WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND CHEATS! I hate you forever!
narrator: WAH WAH, YOU LITTLE BABY!
Make a Robot of Yourself
(Anthony doesn't say the title)
Anthony: One way to get around this is to build a robot replica of yourself with built-in parameters preventing it from making out with your girlfriend.(changes the dial from really naughty to mormon)
In the living room
girlfriend: (giggles) Oh you're the best Anthony. Just a second. (looks in her portable mirror)
Anthony: The only down side is the slight chance that it becomes sentient.
(the robot uses the chainsaw on the girlfriend as see screams)
narrator: SO MEATY!
(Anthony says after saying "If all else fails...")
Anthony: Cheating is probably one of the worst things a human could do; aside from genocide and marrying a Kardashian. So if you're really interested in someone else, you should just probably tell the truth. I'm sorry but I've been seeing someone else.
girlfriend: Whatever, I've been seeing somebody else too.
Anous: (gets out from the bush) Me, bitch!
girlfriend: Wait, wait! Today I've learned that cheating is never the answer. We should've taken the time to address our issues instead of turning to the comforts of other people. Had we just taken a little time to communicate, this would have never happened. Anthony, I am so sorry. I'll never cheat again.
(Anous yawned in the middle of her talking)
Anthony: Me neither.
Anous: BULLS**T! (rapidly keeps on shooting Anthony) Ha! Now that that guy's dead, you can cheat on him with me forever!
Anous' other wife: Stop right there!
Anous: Oh crap!
Anous' other wife: How could you cheat on me with that skank?
Anous: But babe, it's not what it looks like!
Anous' other wife: Bulls**t! (keeps on shooting Anous with her gun then mustache) Die!
Anthony: Me neither.
Anous: BULLS**T! (shoots his daughter, the girlfriend) Well, now that she's out of the way. What are you doing tonight sweetie? (thumbs up)
narrator: HE'S BATTLING FOR BOTH TEAMS!