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Introduction

[Ian is sitting at the same table from Food Battle 2006, and is playing with his donuts, reenacting his own interpretation of Anthony's death (also from Food Battle 2006). He is performing a terrible impression of Anthony.]

Ian: Hey Anthony.

"Anthony": Hey Ian! You wanna see me try to use my taquito as a pool floatie?

Ian: Sure.

"Anthony": OK! [makes splashing noises] Oh no! I'm drowning 'cause I'm so stupid and taquitos suck!

Ian: They sure do!

"Anthony": And I'm dead!

[Cut to see Ian turning around to see Anthony is standing right behind him]

Ian: (unenthusiastically) Oh, hey Anthony.

Anthony: Wait, I just came back from the dead and you're not even surprised.

Ian: Not really. It's kinda becoming a yearly occurence. What do you want?

Anthony: I want a rematch! And with the help of my new favourite food, the red hot chilli pepper, we're gonna kick your ass!

Ian: If you think your red hot chilli pecker could do more everyday tasks than my pink frosted sprinkled donut...[deeply inhales]...THEN YOU'RE GOING DOWN, DICK BISCUIT!!! [shoves the donut into his mouth loudly]

Helmet

[Cut to both Ian and Anthony putting the catalogue down on the table]

Anthony: How 'bout this helmet?

[Cut to Ian talking to his donut in a different room]

Ian: Alright, donut. Give me good head protection. [puts the donut on his forehead] AAAAAAHHHHH! [hits wall] OH! [falls to the ground

Result: X

[Cut to Anthony in the same room with his chilli pepper]

Anthony: [puts the chilli pepper on his forehead] WEEEEEEEEEE! [hits wall and screams in pain

Result: X

Bulletproof Vest

[Cut to Ian and Anthony back at the table]

Ian: Let's see your stupid pepper...be a bulletproof vest!

[Cut to Anthony alone in a different room, talking to his chilli pepper]

Anthony: (nervously) Please save my life, chilli pepper. [kisses the pepper]

[Anthony puts the chilli pepper on his chest and is shot by a guy but survives]

Anthony: It worked! 

Result: 

Shooter: [points at Anthony's back] What's that?

Anthony: [turns to reveal a smoking bullet hole in his back] Oh, dang it!

[Cut to Ian alone in the same room, talking to his donut]

Ian: Alright, donut. [puts the donut on his chest] I know we can - 

[Ian is shot before he can finish and is seen lying motionless on the ground before it is no good]

Result: X

Nightstick

[Cut to Ian and Anthony back at the table, with Ian still lying motionless on the table with his face on the catalogue]

Anthony: My chilli pepper's totally gonna kick your stupid donut's ass, when it's a - get off...[pushes Ian off the catalogue, who falls of the chair and slumps on the ground]...when it's a nightstick!

[Cut to outside where Anthony is talking to his chilli pepper]

Anthony: Come on chilli pepper, let's beat the crap out of some people! But not literally though, 'cause that's freakin' gross!

[Anthony notices a robber in a balaclava walking cheerfully down the street and runs straight at him, screaming, with the chilli pepper out]

Robber: (high pitched) AHH!

[Anthony successfully beats the robber to the ground with the pepper, giggling madly while the robber groans in pain]

Result: 

[Cut to Ian outside with his donut]

Ian: Let's kick some gluteus maximus, donut! Heh, uh, I don't really know what that means, but let's kick some butt! [Robber from before walks in front of him] Oh, here we GO!

[Ian starts hitting the robber with the donut, but the robber is unaffected and quickly takes the donut off Ian]

Ian: (nervously) Oh, no, no no...[gets violently beat with the donut three times] NO! OOH! OW! AAHH!

[With Ian lying on the ground, the robber spits on him and turns to face the camera]

Robber: (cheerfully) It worked!

Result: ✓ (Despite Ian being beaten, it worked for the robber, earning Ian a checkmark anyway)

Poison

[Cut to Ian and Anthony back at the table]

Ian: Let's do...[rips page out of catalogOH FUCK!! Oh, poison!

[Cut to the kitchen with Anthony]

Anthony: (laughs evilly) I'm gonna poison Ian's Mom. (laughs again) I have a delicious treat for you.

Ian's Mom: Thanks! [bites the chili pepper and nothing happens] Mmmmm!

Result: X

[Cut to the kitchen with Ian and his mom]

Ian: (evilly) Here you go Mom! (giggles evilly)

[Ian's Mom eats the donut and starts choking]

Ian: Die mom! (laughs)

Ian's Mom: (coughs) Just a sprinkle.

Ian: (visibly upset) But you're supposed to DIE!

Result: X

[Ian starts crying]

Ian's Mom: Oh, honey, honey, you can try to kill me again later.

Sarah Jessica Parker

[Cut to Ian and Anthony back at the table]

Anthony: How about we do...Sarah Jessica Parker?

Ian: (disgusted) She's gross!

Anthony: Kind of like your mom!

[Cut to reveal Ian's mom, standing to the side in the doorway]

Ian's Mom: You know I'm standing right here, right?

[Ian's mom points at an item in the catalogue]

Ian's Mom: How about this flamethrower!

[Ian and Anthony gasp in excitement]

Result: No contest

Flamethrower

[Cut to outside with Anthony and his chilli pepper]

Anthony: Come on chilli pepper! Let's do this! [accidentally crushes the pepper] (cries) Chilli pepper guts!

Result: X

[Cut to Ian and his donut]

Ian: Come on donut, I know we can - 

[The donut suddenly sends a stream of fire at Ian's head and burns his hair, who screams immediately in pain due to the temperature]

Result: 

Teleportation Device

[Cut to Ian and Anthony back at the table, with Ian wearing a wig]

Anthony: How about we do this...[notices Ian]...(confused) what's with the wig?

Ian: (irritated) OK I burned off all my hair in the fire, so don't judge me! [puts his head on the desk and starts whimpering]

Anthony: (small laugh) Alright, let's just do this teleportation device!

Ian: (childishly) Okay.

[Cut to Ian outside with a bucket of water, a hairdryer and his donut]

Ian: Heh! Anthony doesn't know it, but when you put a hairdryer in water, [throws hairdryer in bucket] it creates an electromagnetic field that amplifies teleportation power! [camera zooms up close] And I know it's true because I read it in a YouTube comment. Let's teleport!

[Ian tries to teleport, making a straining sound, only to let out a small fart]

Ian: (defeated) Dang it.

Result: X

[Cut to Anthony next to the pool with his chilli pepper]

Anthony: Come on chilli pepper, please teleport me next to a hot girl, and not somewhere crappy like a minefield or something!

[Anthony successfully teleports to the other side of the pool, and is approached by a hot girl]

Anthony: (stunned) Whoooaaaa, is this heaven? (gasps)

Hot Girl: Nooooo. It's a minefield.

[The entire place suddenly detonates]

Result: 

Contact Lenses

[Cut to Ian and Anthony back at the table, with Anthony wheeling himself to the table in a wheelchair]

Ian: (taunting) You were paralysed in an explosion! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Anthony: (annoyed) Shut up! Shut up! Let's just do these contact lenses!

Ian: OK, cripple! Hehe!

[Anthony slams his wheelchair into Ian's leg under the table]

Ian: OOOOOWWWWW! My labia!

[Cut to Ian outside with two donuts in his hands]

Ian: Here we go. [puts the donuts in front of his eyes and stretches his arm out] (playfully) Oh! (curious noises) What am I gonna touch? [Ian is rapidly approaching a hot girl in a bikini sunbaking] Ooooh, yeah!

[Ian reaches down and touches something]

Ian: (gasps excitedly) Oh my God! Oh my God I'm touching melons! I'm touching the biggest melons in the world! (gasps again)

[By this time the camera shows Ian is ironically touching actual rockmelons/canteloupes]

Result: 

[Cut to Anthony wheeling himself by the poolside, panting heavily]

Anthony: Alright chilli pepper...[takes a bite, then quickly spits it out and pants]...see me through this win! (laughs)

[Suddenly, Ian appears and grabs the wheelchair handles]

Ian: (sinisterly) Sorry, Anthony, but I can't let you win Food Battle.

[Ian begins to push the wheelchair towards the pool, with Anthony hopeless to stop him]

Anthony: (nervously) What are you doing?!

Ian: (manicalyDIE! (evilly laughs)

Anthony: AAAHHHH!

[Ian pushes the wheelchair and Anthony into the pool, leaving Anthony to drown, mirroring his fate from Food Battle 2006. Ian dusts off his hands]

Ian: (satisfied) I always knew your weakness was water...and dying!

Result:No Contest

[Blackout]

Ending

[Cut to see the Announcer Guy chase after Ian]

Announcer Guy: Ian! Ian! You've just won Food Battle 2010 - 

[Announcer Guy and Ian look on in shock as Anthony walks out of the pool alive. Ian begins to back away as Anthony angrily glares at him]

Ian: (panicking) No, no...

[Ian accidentally puts his foot in the water bucket with the hairdryer from the teleportation device challenge, and is violently electrocuted, falling to the ground. Anthony kneels over him]

Ian: (weakly) I thought you died.

Anthony: When I drowned in Food Battle 2006, I learned how to survive underwater - (sinisterlyby holding my breath! (laughs evilly)

Ian: I thought your legs didn't work!

Anthony: (innocently before appologied to Ian) I fib.

Ian: (shocked) You lied? But...you're my best friend!

Anthony: You just tried to murder me - [realises Ian isn't dying] wait. I thought you were dying a second ago.

Ian: Oh yeah! (makes weird noises) Bob Barker! [dies immediately]

[Blackout]

[Cut to see the Announcer Guy chase after Anthony]

Announcer Guy: Anthony! Anthony! You've just won Food Battle 2010! What are you gonna do now!

Anthony: (excited, jumping up and down) I'm gonna go home and play with Pogs! You wanna come?

Announcer Guy: NO!

Whoopee Cushion (Deleted Scene)

[Cut back at the table, with Anthony alone]

Ian: [off-screen] Let's do...[pops up from under the table]...a Whoopie cushion!

Anthony: Oh, like that?

[Anthony points out a nearby literal Whoopie cushion (a cushion with Whoopie Goldberg's face on it). An awkward silence ensues as Ian shakes his head at Anthony]

[Cut to Anthony placing his pepper on a chair. He then sits on it, with an immediate squish. Anthony shows the camera the pepper juice stains on his pants]

Anthony: Eewwwwww! Chilli poo!

Result: X

[Cut to Ian placing his donut on the chair. He then sits on it. There is a small delay, then Ian farts]

Ian: Yeah!

Result: 

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