From the studio who makes one good game two different ways comes the best Fallout game of all time... unless you count New Vegas... or the first two. Fallout 3!
In a world where only old people and the Japanese will buy an isometric turn-based RPG, get ready for another Elder Scrolls game with the look and feel of the Fallout series awkwardly bolted on.
Welcome to your new life in post-apocalyptic America, where every creature is a hellish abomination, most of the humans try to kill you, and just breathing gives you cancer - which I'd still take over in letting in present ABC.
Take control of the Lone Wanderer, a person with the face of a melted Barbie doll, who dresses like it's time for burning men, and who somehow found a way to survive the Vaults, the wasteland, and the greatest horror of all - standardized testing. No! Not again! NOOOOOOOO!
Explore a vast, open world of pube green and doodoo brown, as you hike for hours across miles and miles of nothing while listening to an endless loop of your grandpa's old sex jams...
- plays said sex jams*
...and set out on an epic main quest to help your dad install a water filter - or don't, because everyone knows the real toy of Fallout 3 is digging around, so put saving the world on hold as you spend hundreds of hours: helping an old lady find her violin, stealing the Declaration of Independence, talking to a tree, becoming a vampire, filling an apartment with all your bottle caps and doll parts so you're light enough to move again, and just good old-fashioned murderfests. Go ahead! Nuke a city! Your dad won't even get that mad at you!
Lone Wanderer's dad: You're still my son, and I love you, but I can't begin to tell you how dissapointed in you I am...
Aww, I love you too, dad!
Master a game where stretegy and positioning have been replaced by FPS skills and a pause button - uh, I mean the V.A.T.S, a way to stop the action and target every non-dick section of an enemy, completely destroying the tension of the game, and making no sense for a first person shooter - seriously, what is it? Can you stop time? Can your Pip-Boy stop time? Can everyone with a Pip-Boy stop time? Am I over-thinking a simple game mechanic? NO, YOU SHUT UP!
Hoarders, rejoice for a game that makes you pick up absolutely everything, where today's junk is tomorrow's doomsday weapon, and hold your breath as you experience the greatest thrill of all - trying to pick up ammo without accidentaly drinking toilet water.
- Lone Wanderer dies from drinking said water*
So enjoy the most mediocre Fallout, that's still one of the better games ever made, that didn't become great until New Vegas, and won't become godlike until Fallout 4.
- shows Fallout 4 pre-release footage*
Look at that! Oh man! F*ck! Holy sh*t! SHUT UP AND TAKE MY BOTTLE CAPS ALREADY!
Starring: Night Brites (Glowing One), Dwaynes "The Rocks" Johnsons (Super Mutant Behemoth), Crab People, Crab People (Mirelurk Hunter), Jeff Goldblum (Bloatfly), Hilary Clinton (Mirelurk King), Lindsay Lohan (Feral Ghoul Reaver), Mad Max Cosplay, Yao-gi Bear (Yao Guai), The Clawwww (Deathclaw), Hello, Yes, This is Dog (Dogmeat), A Chinese iPod (Sentry Bot), and Sh*tty Ultron (President Eden).
President Eden: Self-destruct sequence initialized.
Mad Max: Beyond Morrowind!
Did you know that your dad is voiced by Liam Neeson? Apparently, your dad had a particular sense of skill, and it was to walk out on you as a teenager.