The official script of Every Game Of Thrones Ever.


Soldier: Sir, my spies have informed me of a secret alliance between the Tully's and the Bugwell's. We must discuss at once.

Littlefinger: Right. To the Whorehouse!

Soldier: But, sir! Time is of the essence!

Littlefinger: I said to the Whorehouse! We need to go somewhere with lots of boobs to distract people from this boring a*s plot!

Soldier: You have a point.

Littlefinger: *Punches Soldier's Armor* Let's go.

Narrator: Every Game Of Thrones Ever.

Brienne: *Parries with Warrior #1* You're coming with me!

Jaime: Never!

Lord Stannis: Halt! It is I!

Jaime: It's you!

Brienne and Jaime: Agh. Lord..uh..Lord Gash...Lord Sta...uh, Lord Steve?

Lord Stannis: Lord Stannis? I'm the fat dead king's brother.

Brienne: Oh, the gay one!

Narrator: Every Game Of Thrones Ever.

Jaime: Son, I think it's time we finally had the "talk".

Tommen: Sigh, dad, I already know about sex.

Jaime: Explain it to me then.

Tommen: Sigh, sex is when a brother and a sister really like each other, then when their son born of incest dies, the brother has sex with the sister, next to the dead son's corpse.

Jaime: Pauses for a few seconds. You've grown up so fast. Your mother/your sister will be so proud.

Narrator: Game Of George.

Jaime: No, no, Renly's the one with the spear.

Brienne: No, that's Oberyn. No, Renly was definitely the gay one.

Lord Stannis: Come on! I'm Stannis, the angry older brother. Lives on Dragonstone!

Jaime: Nope.

Narrator: Game of Thrones.

Slave Trader: Your dragons are becoming a big problem, Khaleesi. They're growing out of control.

Daenerys: I see no evidence in that.

Slave Trader: Burned By The Dragon Aaah!

Narrator: Khaleesi.

Jon: Welcome to the Night's Watch, recruits! It's cold all the time, everyone's an a**hole, ice zombies are coming to kill you, Wildlings are trying to eat you, we're almost out of food, no one's getting paid, you always have to wear black, and most of you will die. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, one tiny little detail. You can never ever have sex.

Recruits: No thank you.

Jon: Wait, guys, come back! Crows before hoes!

Narrator: Blahlalala.

Lord Stannis: Lord Stannis! I worship the God of Fire!

Jaime: Look, we're sorry, but we just don't know who you are.

Brienne: It's just not ringing a bell.

Melisandre: Maybe these will jog them memories. *Takes off clothes*

Jaime: Okay, um, everybody shows their boobs here, HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP? Sorry.

Narrator: Belch!

Lieutenant: Sir, the Lannisters are on the run. Our victory is close at hand.

General: Sh*t.

Lieutenant: What's wrong? Our fight for justice will soon be over.

General: Have you not been paying any attention? As soon as it looks like the good guys are going to win, they die!

Lieutenant: But, sir-

General: Shot by an Arrow Aaah!

Lieutenant: Oh! Right, uh, I'm just gonna go then.

"In the HBO Headquarters"

Executive: And the general dies soon?

George R. R. Martin: Yep!

Executive: See, I don't know, it just seems like a boring plot.

George R. R. Martin: How's this for a boring plot? Claps Hands and Girls Enter

Executive: Oooh, I love this show! You can bring more seasons! (proceeds to sing the Game of Thrones theme song) Da da da da da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da...

George R. R. Martin: I wrote that song.

Executive: (still singing the Game of Thrones theme song) Da da da da da da da da da da!

Narrator: Every Game Of Thrones Ever.

George R. R. Martin: Signs this in the Game of Thrones tune Chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli, brocco-brocco-li, brocco-brocco-li, brocco-brocco-li, brocco-brocco, chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli. Ha, game of food.

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