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(prologue): In November of 2012, Disney bought the entire Star Wars franchise from George Lucas and re-made the original Star Wars Trilogy.  Here's the first trailer.

From the magical people that brought you Aladdin and The Lion King comes a new out-of-this-world adventure.  A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a young farmer boy has dreams of becoming something greater.

LUKE SKYWALKER: I wanna be where the Jedis are.
'I wanna see; wanna see them killing.

With wonderful re-imagined characters that are now even more kooky and fun.

LUKE: Gee, this sure is the best. Huh C-3PO?

With Chris Tucker as C-3PO.

CHRIS TUCKER: Oh HELL NO I AIN'T GOING INTO NO OUTER SPACE!

(Luke laughs)

And Nicholas Cage as R2-D2.

NICHOLAS CAGE: I'm Nick Cage and I play R2-D2. Beep beep boop. Beep-boop.

Along the way, he'll make a bunch of new friends.

HAN SOLO:Come on kid, hop on my millennium falcon.

LUKE: Okay. Woah oh hold on, that's the millennium falcon?

GIANT GUY IN A CHICKEN SUIT: Hop on my back, Luke.

LUKE: Aaaah, nah. I would rather just...

GUY: GET ON MY BACK!

HAN AND LUKE: Wheeeeeeeeee!

And against all odds, they'll go on an adventure to rescue the beautiful Princess Leia.

HAN: Quick kids, get inside!

LEIA: Thanks Luke.

CHRIS: OH HELL NO YOU AIN'T FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER!

(Luke and Han laugh)

LUKE: Wait, what?

Featuring twenty-eight original songs from Grammy Award Winner, Elton John.

DARTH VADER: I could show you the galaxy.
Sparkling - Shimmering - (long pause) Splendor...

NICK: Can we stop at a drive-thru; I want a peach.

And an all new song from Randy Newman of Toy Story fame.

I've got the force in me.

I've got the force in me.

I can chop off your arm.
'Smash a pipe on your head.
'Cause I got the force in me.

LUKE: I love you, dad.

Disney Star Wars; get ready to fall in love with Star Wars all over again.

JABBA: Be our guest!  Be our guest!
'Give that Jedi crap a rest.
'
Jump right in my sarlacc pit
'So it can eat you and digest.

CHRIS: OH, HELL NO; I AIN'T JUMPING IN NO SARLACC PIT!

(Han and Luke laugh.Jabba fips the middle finger. Leia pushes Chris into pit.)

CHRIS: OHHHHH HELLLLLLLLL NOOOOOO!

NICK: 3-PO, look for clues while you're down there.  We have to find Benjamin Franklin's penis.

And we've brought back everyone's favorite character, Jar Jar.

JAR JAR: Mesa the best character ever.

(Leia, Luke,and Han killed Jar Jar.)

Just kidding.  F**k that guy.

NERDS: Wow, they totally screwed up Star Wars now. I know; right?  Let's go see it! Already bought us tickets. I already bought the lunchbox. I already bought slave Leia's bra.

Alternate Scene #1

(Christopher Walken as R2-D2)

At the space shuttle

R2-D2: Beep, beep boop.


Near the sarlacc pit

(C-3PO has fallen in the sarlacc pit)

C-3PO: OHOHOH HELELELELELELL NOOOOO!

R2-D2: C-3P, oh snap!

Alternate Scene #2

(Bane is R2-D2)

At the space shuttle

R2-D2: Beep!  Beep, boop.


On the speeder

Vader (sings): Splendor...

R2-D2: (appears from the back all of the sudden) Aaaaaw, is daddy issues would be your reckoning?


Near the sarlacc pit

(C-3PO falls in the sarlacc pit)

C-3PO: OHOHOH HELELELELELELL NOOOOO!

R2-D2: Oh, C-3PO going into the darkness.  I was born in it.

Alternate Scene #3

(Nick cage plays as R2-D2 still)

At the shuttle

R2-D2:  This X-Wing is a clue as it was discovered by Bejamin Franklin before Harriet Tubman passed it on to Martian Luther King Jr.

Alternate Scene #4

(Russel Brand is R2-D2)

At the shuttle

R2-D2: Beep-beep-beep boop Russel Brand.


On the land speeder

Vader (sings): Splendor...

R2-D2: Oo, somebody's got daddy issues, how about a cuddle?


Near the salacc pit

(C-3PO falls in the sarlacc pit)

C-3PO: OHOHOH HELELELELELELL NOOOOO!

R2-D2: Good luck with that pit there 3PO, that reminds me of Katie Sandhole.