Narrator: American Skyways.
Richard: Welcome to American Skyways, we're happy to have you on board. I'm your captain and I'll be taking you to the basic safety procedures of this here aircraft. Let's go. (walks showing his SpongeBob underpants)
In the second class deck
Richard: So, everyone thinks flying is a happy time; right fellas?
Fat Teen: Right!
Richard: (bends down and points) WRONG! It's very serious business with danger lurking around every corner! At any given moment, you could be sucked out the window and you'll die by either freezing to death or you'll asphyxiate from lack of oxygen! Then your lifeless body will plummet forty thousand feet to the ground and your dick shatters into a million pieces! (sees the passengers getting weird out) Or you'll fly out the other way and get sucked into deep space where your body will never be found by your family, EVER! or (sees the passengers still weird out and stands up) So let's talk about safety, shall we?
(The narrator says the topic of the safety procedures)
Richard: (bends down and pats Michael) What's your name son?
Michael: My name's Michael Jackson.
Richard: If you don't know how to use a seatbelt by now, you're fucked. But I'm required by law to show you how. So, you take one end of the seatbelt; then you take the other. You jam them together like so. (uses his hands to make a sexual gesture which is disturbing the passengers)
Michael: Hurry up; I want to shit!
Richard: (comes by) It isn't safe for passengers to form a line out here in front of the lavatory; so there's now a thirty second time limit in there.
Michael: Wait-wait, what?
Richard: Best hurry up. (looks at his watch) Times already ticking partner.
Michael: Oh crap. (runs to the toilet)
Richard: (stops the door from closing) Oh, and going number two is no longer permitted.
Michael: What, when did that rule take effect?!
Richard: Uh, ten seconds.
Michael: Oh god, that's not enough time!
Guard 1: We got a guy taking a code two.
Guard 2: Prepare blow out! (went into the restroom) Pull out!
Michael: Wait, what are you doing?! What are you doing?! No! Noooo!
(the guard stuns Michael with a taser)
(The guards went in the bathroom)
Michael: Ah! Mm yeah.
(Michael and the guards make sexual references)
Richard: If cabin pressure changes, the panels above your head will open to reveal oxygen masks. Be sure to pull the mask over your head and breathe normally. Oxygen is flowing though, so don't worry if the bag doesn't inflate. Just kidding, they're all broken.
(The old man starts suffocating and his head lands in his food, having died from lack of oxygen)
Richard: In case of a life threatening emergency, there are emergency exits to your left. In case of a hunger emergency, there are salad to your right.
Richard: To prevent a terrorist hijacking, be sure to alert a crew member of any minorities you see on the plane.
Black Man: Man that's f***ed up!
Deleted Scene #1
Richard: ...be sure to alert a crew member of any minorities you see on the plane.
Black Man: Now that's f***ed up!
Richard: Not really, it's true. I'm gonna get my ass kicked. (walks away)
Deleted Scene #2
Richard: Can I get your number?
Black Man: No.
Richard: In the event of a water landing---- (laughs) Alright let's face it, we'd all die! (laughs more)
Richard: In the event the plane becomes overrun with snakes, be sure you have a black guy on board to exclaim how tired he is of said snakes.
Black Man: (stands up) Yo what?!
Richard: In the event the plane becomes overrun with snakes, be sure you have a black guy onboard to exclaim how tired he is of said snakes.
Black Man: (stands up) Yo what?!
Richard: Said I like your hairdo. It good. (runs away)
Richard: Smoking is not allowed on this plane. All planes have very terrible gas leaks and will explode if someone were to light a match.
Old Man: (In the middle of lighting his pipe) Heh?
(The plane explodes while on the runway)
(Anthony woke up with gasp)
Ian: You okay man?
Anthony: I just had this vision where someone lit a match and the plane exploded.
(the plane exploded in the air)