RANDY "MUSCLE FACE" ROGERS (portrayed by Hecox): What's wrong with this?
"I DID IT" GUY (protrayed by Padilla): OW!
RANDY: And this?
CUSTOMER #1 (portrayed by Ernesto S. Bustos): (spills milk on his bowl) Oh; oh my God!
[Customer #2 (portrayed by Alex Faciane) trying to eat his sandwich with his hands in the right order to eat.]
RANDY: Still haven't figured it out yet? Well I'll tell you what's wrong...they're all fat!
RANDY: Hi, I'm Randy "Muscle Face" Rogers.
[His name is placed in the bottom of the scene.]
RANDY: So many people are fat now and that's GROSS!!!
[spits out the word GROSS with three exclamation points and comes up to Customer #2.]
[comes back in front of the man.]
RANDY: There's millions of diets out there but how come everyone's still FAT!!!
[spits out the word FAT with three exclamation points and comes to Customer #2.]
RANDY: How come you're still fat, huh? How come your still such a [echoed] Fatty McFatterson?!
[stops echoing and throws down the sandwich while jumping on it.]
RANDY: The problem isn't the diet; it's YOU!!!
[spits out the word YOU with three exclamation points, bends down, and eats the customer's sandwich without using his hands]
[in Randy's state-of-the art dojo with "I Did It" Guy, Customer #1 and Customer #2. (similar place to where Customer #2 was eating his hero sandwich)]
RANDY: Which is why I've created my new revolutionary workout program...GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING!
[spits out the name of the program with an exclamation point.]
RANDY: The key to GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING! is simple. All you have to do is get off your ass, come to my state-of-the-art dojo and you do something. What do you do? I don't freaking care!
RANDY: At my dojo, you could do such things as moving boxes...
[the name MOVING BOXES is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
[gave a thumbs up to Customer #2 for moving a box.]
RANDY: ...picking things up...
[the name PICKING THINGS UP is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
"I DID IT" GUY: [picked up a trophy] I did it.
RANDY:...giving a high five...
[the name GIVING A HIGH FIVE is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
[moved to Customer #1 and Customer #2's hand toward each other and smile.]
RANDY: ...pouring water...
[the name POURING WATER is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
"I DID IT" GUY: [poured water at a cup without seeing the cup] I did it.
RANDY: ...calling other fat people fat...
[the name CALLING OTHER FAT PEOPLE FAT is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
CUSTOMER #2: You're fat.
CUSTOMER #1: I know. [cries]
CUSTOMER #2: Wow, that felt pretty good.
RANDY: You can even dial a rotary phone...
[the name DIAL A ROTARY PHONE is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
"I DID IT" GUY: [calls on the rotary phone) I'm a virgin.
RANDY: ...or do a little heavy breathing.
[the name HEAVY BREATHING is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
[sees Customer #1 behind Randy do some heavy breathing.]
RANDY: Hell, you can like pet a duck. I don't f--king care what you do. Just do something.
[Customer #2 pets a puppetery duck behind Randy.'
[Randy turns around in front of the three customers who are just smiling.]
RANDY: Too many people spend all their lives sitting on their asses playing video games, but what if you can just get off your ass and do all that crap IN REAL LIFE!!1!
[spits out the words IN REAL LIFE with three exclamation points and a one in between the second and last exclamation point]
[Customer #2 plays Super Mario 64 with his Nintendo 64 controller which is he playing with his controller backwards.]
RANDY: Instead of jumping on mushrooms in Mario, you can do it in real life.
[the name JUMPING ON MUSHROOMS is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
CUSTOMER #2: (grabs from the mushrooms from the Rasta Mushroom Dealer (portrayed by Padilla) and jumps on them) Wahoo! Wahah! Wahoo! Mamma mia!
[Customer #1 plays Tetris in his Blackberry mobile phone while taking a dump on a toliet.]
RANDY: Instead of arranging shapes in a stupid video game, you can do it in real life.
[the name ARRANGING SHAPES is placed at the bottom of the scene.]
[Customer #1 tries to arrange the shape on its right place.]
CUSTOMER #1: [growls and tears up some of the shapes on the wall.] It's too freaking hard!
RANDY: Instead of using weapons in a video game, you can use them in real life.
["I Did It" Guy shoots some bullets up in the air by using an AK-47, then shoot some bullets at Randy's knee.]
RANDY: [yells] Oh, God! Okay, maybe not that one. ALRIGHT, SOMEONE GET AN AMBULANCE, JESUS!
"I DID IT" GUY: I did it.
[Skinny Fat Ass (played by Lee Eisenhower) tries to open the jar with his hands, but he cannot.]
RANDY: I know my program will work for you because I used to be a fat f--k like this guy.
SKINNY FAT ASS: Hey, I'm not fa--
RANDY: But then I started getting off my ass and doing things and I lost 400 POUNDS!
[spits out the 400lbs with the number four hundred and the intial for pounds]
RANDY: This is what I look liked before I got off my ass. ['sees the picture where he was an overweight man and an overweight teacher.']
RANDY: Augh, gross! Makes me wanna go back in time and murder my fat ass self!
[goes to the audience and tells.]
RANDY: But if you don't believe my program will work for you, just listen to this happy customer.
[blows with his tongue open and shows a screen revealing Customer #2]
CUSTOMER #2: I'm kinda on the fence.
RANDY: [jumps near the screen] So this proves my program will change your life, so get off your ass and DO SOMETHING!! [spits out the words "do something" with two exclamation points]
"I DID IT" GUY: [wakes up and raises his hand] But what if I don't wanna?
RANDY: Hi-yeah! [punches the "I Did It" Guy] JOIN NOW! [spits out the words "join now" with three exclamation points]
INFOMERICAL NARRATOR: Now you can get off your ass and do something for only $2500 a month after a $5000 signing fee and a photo of your penis.
INFORMERICAL NARRATOR: [talks fast] Get off Your Ass and Do Something isn't a workout program and is actually just Randy's way of making other people do his chores.
[behind the words are pictures of Randy and the customers doing poses.]
[the words NOW YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING FOR ONLY $2500/MO AFTER A $5000 SIGNING FEE AND A PHOTO OF YOUR PENIS, GET YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING ISN'T A WORKOUT PROGRAM AND IS ACTUALLY JUST RANDY'S WAY OF MAKING OTHER PEOPLE DO HIS CHORES are on the screen]
[the words "JOIN NOW!!!" flash for a second and continue flashing on the screen until the informerical narrator stops the words.]
[the words "Call 1-800-GETOFYOURASSANDDOYOURMOM or leave your money at the bottom of my stairway." are on the screen.]
["I Did It" Guy is cleaning on the wall, Customer #1 and Customer #2 are brushing away using a brusher on the floor.]
RANDY: (talks to the first fat man) Okay, now dust my trophy collection.
RANDY'S MOM: [holding a coffee mug] Hey Randy, quit playing with your fat friends' dicks and take out the trash!
RANDY: [stands up] GET OUTTA MY ROOM, MOM!
RANDY'S MOM: Don't make me slap the s--t outta your ass again. Take out the trash, you little bitch. (crawls back upstairs)
RANDY: [goes back sitting on his chair] Uh okay guys, now get off your ass and take out the trash.
Deleted Scene #1
RANDY: ...and I lost four hundred pounds. Holy s--t, right. Like, that's like a whole whale or-or maybe just like the tail of a whale but that's pretty cool through, right? It's like, I was almost like a whale tail. I was- I was that fat. That's real fat.
Deleted Scene #2
RANDY: I know my life sify will work for you because I used to be a fat f--k like this guy.
SKINNY FAT ASS: Hey, I'm not fa--
RANDY: Yeah you- Yeah you're fat. You're a fat freak, look at you. Opening that pickle jar 'cause you just want to eat those pickles like a little Fatty McFatterson.