|Apple Watch Sucks|
March 13, 2015 (Smosh)
Apple Watch Sucks is a Smosh video uploaded on March 13, 2015.
An Apple Employee tries to convince Anthony and Ian, that the Apple Watch is amazing.
Shut Up! Opening
|“||*SFX of a clock ticking rapidly and iOS notification sounds* SHUT UP!||”|
Ian: Oh, uh, do you have the time?
Anthony: Yeah, it's 12:15.
Apple employee: It took 1.5 seconds for you to check the time!
Anthony: You timed that?
Apple employee: With this stopwatch on my all new Apple Watch! Just one of the amazing features it has.
Ian: Doesn't the iPhone already have a stopwatch?
Anthony: Yeah, who the hell wears a wristwatch anymore?
Apple employee: The better question is, who doesn't?
Ian: Newborn babies.
Anthony: Someone with two broken wrists.
Ian: A guy with no arms.
Anthony: People with really small clock phobias.
Ian: Pretty much everyone, really.
Anthony: Why are you even so excited about this thing?
Ian: Yeah, it's just another useless Apple product they want us to think we need.
Olivia to Apple employee: That's a really sexy watch. (turning to Ian and Anthony) Too bad you guys don't have one to cover your fat, ugly wrists.
(Ian and Anthony cover their wrists looking around in shame)
30 minutes later:
Ian: Okay, we got your stupid watch, now what can it do? (Anthony points to the watch)
Apple employee: You can tap on it and your friends will feel the tapping!
Anthony: That is really creepy.
Ian: Is Apple trying to bring back Morse Code or something?
Apple employee: Uh... It can send a heartbeat!
Ian: Why would you wanna do that?
Apple employee: So you know your friends are still alive?...
Anthony: Okay, why wouldn't my friend just send me a text or call me?
Ian: Yeah, or they could send you a picture of them not dead.
Apple employee: .... I gotta go.... Pee!...
(walks to his car nervously)
Apple employee: It's just a quick tinkle! Why don't you fellas stay there? (laughing nervously)
(he drives off and Ian shrugs)
(building burning and screams in the background)
Apple employee to Olivia and black employee: Our plan didn't work.
Black guy: But she fat-shamed their wrists into getting the watches, right?
Apple employee: Yeah, and they still think they're lame.
Black guy: They won't after you let them know you can run home appliances with it.
Olivia: Only the internet-enabled ones, like your TV and, um... y-y-y-your TV!
Black guy: That's right.
Anthony: Why would I wanna turn my TV on while I'm not at home?
Ian: Yeah, that's almost as pointless as sucking a fat man's nipples for milk.
Apple employee: .... I'll be back!
Anthony: What kind of a metaphor was that?
Ian: Okay, it's not a metaphor, it's a simile, and I may have tried it once..... I-I-I don't recommend it...
Apple employee: They didn't care at all! They just... talked about sucking on some fat dude's nipples.
Olivia: (seductively) Go on....
Black guy: Alright.... Time to pull out the big guns.... (starts struggling with the watch)... How do I get to the fitness app again?...
Olivia: Hold two fingers on the screen for two seconds.
Black guy: Okay... One, two...
(Ultimate Assassin's Creed 3 Song starts playing)
Olivia: Wrong app, idiot!
Black guy: Damn it! I'll hold it for four seconds... Woop, nope, those are my nudes... Three seconds.... O-O-Olivia?...
(she's clinging to his shoulder seductively)
Black guy: Olivia! Those my baby pictures, my momma the only person supposed to see those now! No!
(Apple employee runs back to Ian and Anthony)
Apple employee: (panting and out of breath) .... Look...... It shows your heart rate.... And how far you've walked... Along with how many calories you burned, and... I just ran 14 miles... Because my piece of shit car broke down!... Ha!....
Ian: That's great and all, but I really don't care about fitness, do you?
Anthony: No, I'm perfectly fine with dying at 30.
Apple employee: Come on! (runs off clumsily with sweat pouring down the back of his shirt)
Black guy: Yeah, we got nothing else.
Apple employee: Then what did we spend the last five years developing?! It's a $350 piece of garbage!
Olivia: The gold-plated one cost me $5,000.
Apple employee: Oh, come on! Apple used to be a place for innovation, not gimmicky bullshit for rich people!
Black guy: Yeah, but we like money.
Apple employee: You guys getting this Morse Code tap?
Black guy: Oh, yeah.
Olivia: What does it say?
Apple employee: It says go fuck yourselves! (flips them off and leaves)
Apple employee: (running up to Anthony and Ian out of breath and panting again): Fine! Heh.... You guys win! Okay? This thing sucks big fat floppy dicks! Alright? I'ma draw you a picture and send it to you to show you exactly what it looks like! Ha! Ha ha! (draws the dick and sends it to them)
Ian: Hold up, man. You can draw pictures of dicks and send them to your friends on this thing?
Apple employee: Yeah! Who cares?!
Ian and Anthony: THIS IS THE BEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME!!! YEAH!!!!
Title screen: Apple Watch. The best dick drawing invention of all time. And it can tell time, I guess.
Ian and Anthony: DICKS!!!!